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insomnia

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Aug. 14th, 2006 | 03:37 am

...which I haven't had in so long. The connections in my head have all been made much more quickly as of late, I feel. It feels odd; maybe too much reading in the past week is to blame. (I am going to skip to the end of American Gods and just read that, forget the middle, who needs that anyway?)

I feel odd. Insomnia is no doubt an odd feeling. These rolls are reversed here, with me being coffee-drinking maniac and such. I feel strange. But I've already said that. I'm confused. I need to ask certain questions of people, I have a small mission afoot.

I'm confused about who I am or want to be. I don't really want to be anything specific or attainable at the moment, but I'm not sure that means I should be stagnant. In fact, I know I shouldn't be, I know I have a lot to learn and to learn from and to let go and to gain. I have a lot to do but I don't know when I'm supposed to start doing it.

I haven't ranted like this in so long.

Back when we were kids, when we were real friends, we depended on each other and trusted each other. There was a sense of loyalty among us. Also of belonging and righteousness that no longer exist. No one allows themselves to be comfortable with each other these days. We're all too deceitful, too selfish. Back in the days, when we were real kids, real people, we had moral values, expectations to live up to. We had each other to protect. And now it's all gone, because we're so individualistic. We've decided, or realized, perhaps, that you can't protect yourself while protecting others. You can't take a bullet for a friend without getting shot. When did we become too weak to handle that?

I'm reaching to weird places now, because the old familiar places have lost their charm and I am no longer comforted by what used to be soft and warm, because it's all used up now; those places are not what they were. I'm going in strange directions just to see if they lead to what I'm looking for, which I've lost the map to and my memory of what it is I seek. Oh, but oh well, All is fair in love and war and hell on earth.

Oh, mercy me, god bless catastrophy. Thanks for listening, even with half your ears, all these years.

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