rock and bowl is dead and gone

If you're gonna be around these holidays, I think we should all make art and happiness together. Let's start a collective and collect beautiful things and put them together to make something different.

Let's do something coooool. Comment, call, I'll call you.

Peace. If you wanna know, ask.

You know what's cool these days? Working in a movie theatre. Yeah, I'm the fucking bomb. Serving popcorn, yelling at dumbasses. You know the drill.

You know what's really cool? Parties. If only this girl Corina would fucking callllllll. I bought a mini-cheesecake and everything. yeah, you wish it was your birthday.

Gotta go brush my fucking teeth. Nice chattin' with you. Much love.

And... it's back.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

...which I haven't had in so long. The connections in my head have all been made much more quickly as of late, I feel. It feels odd; maybe too much reading in the past week is to blame. (I am going to skip to the end of American Gods and just read that, forget the middle, who needs that anyway?)

I feel odd. Insomnia is no doubt an odd feeling. These rolls are reversed here, with me being coffee-drinking maniac and such. I feel strange. But I've already said that. I'm confused. I need to ask certain questions of people, I have a small mission afoot.

I'm confused about who I am or want to be. I don't really want to be anything specific or attainable at the moment, but I'm not sure that means I should be stagnant. In fact, I know I shouldn't be, I know I have a lot to learn and to learn from and to let go and to gain. I have a lot to do but I don't know when I'm supposed to start doing it.

I haven't ranted like this in so long.

Back when we were kids, when we were real friends, we depended on each other and trusted each other. There was a sense of loyalty among us. Also of belonging and righteousness that no longer exist. No one allows themselves to be comfortable with each other these days. We're all too deceitful, too selfish. Back in the days, when we were real kids, real people, we had moral values, expectations to live up to. We had each other to protect. And now it's all gone, because we're so individualistic. We've decided, or realized, perhaps, that you can't protect yourself while protecting others. You can't take a bullet for a friend without getting shot. When did we become too weak to handle that?

I'm reaching to weird places now, because the old familiar places have lost their charm and I am no longer comforted by what used to be soft and warm, because it's all used up now; those places are not what they were. I'm going in strange directions just to see if they lead to what I'm looking for, which I've lost the map to and my memory of what it is I seek. Oh, but oh well, All is fair in love and war and hell on earth.

Oh, mercy me, god bless catastrophy. Thanks for listening, even with half your ears, all these years.

So, Aurora texted me tonight:
HOW DOES IT FEEL TO KNOW YOU'RE TOTALLY BEING PLAYED?

Does anyone have crazy bitch repellent?

So, last night, extreme deja-vu experience. Nate and I are hanging out in his basement, about to go to sleep, when Mallison drives up. He brought three more things to return to me: two books I gave him and an envelope addressed "Rachel". He left without a word, with me standing in the driveway, staring, puzzled. I was too tired to read the letter last night, I didn't want to have to deal with "never-talk-to-me-again"s right before bed. I've been having nightmares as it is.

This morning I open the letter, but it's not a letter. It's $400, cash.

So we have nothing in common anymore. We don't owe anything to each other anymore. He chose to return his gifts, I chose to keep mine. All's fair in war. I miss him.

I am missing a friend that I had so well once. Moreso I'm guilty of killing that friendship, I'm guilty of selfish acts, I'm guilty of - well, I have four 100 dollar bills sitting next to me. It's rather distracting.

So, that's it. And everything we ever said to each other, promised each other, was for nothing. Just $400.

Man life makes me feel stupid. I'm sorry for being such a waste of space sometimes.

Oooh, I need hands to hold me up.

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow?
What do you do with the left over you?
And how do you know, when to let go?
Where does the good go? Where does the good go?

Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive
Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go
Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love
Look me in the heart and unbreak broken, it won't happen

It's love that leaves that breaks the seal of always thinking you would be
Real happy and healthy, strong and calm
Where does the good go? Where does the good go?

Where do you go when you're in love and the world knows?
How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down?
What do you say it's up for grabs now that you're on your way down?
Where does the good go? Where does the good go?

--> tegan and sara